I dont give any indication as to what I am up to until they tell me what they are up to. There are at least two distinct why do you ask? which are sadly distinguished only by tone. Part of why Im asking is I just plain find it baffling that parents do this, though the consequences loom large enough. Okay, how would that be couched in terms of a lease you would give to another renter? Had it been a long time since shed asked him? But you, yours steals the show every time. I think people are missing the fact that LW is talking about some instances of this running down lines of power and dominance, which is why this is such a problem. Busy busy busy! Neighbor! It helps that at this point in my life Ive stopped associating with people who dont understand that sometimes you can only have so much fun and then you need some time to like, open all your mail and pet the cat. Him: Good. Here are some fun things to do on weekends: Get Moving 1. But I have wondered if I answer with imaginary bf and I have x-plans, if the questions would stop. I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal. 20 Funny Out-of-Office Messages to Inspire Your Own [+ Templates] - HubSpot But I think its disingenuous? Should I keep doing what Im doing? Why do I feel entitled to her assistance with something I am doing for her grandmother & grandfather while she sits in her room and plays Minecraft? I was going to say, my experience with We should hang out some time! and the like are that theyre more of a social gesture. If people cant come, you still have plans with the one friend! Seriously, both she and my sister are true extroverts, bless them, which is why I use the term hyper-social weirdos to describe them. 1. #1078: "Sooooooowhat are you doing this weekend?" Those non-negotiable things come up probably twice a month, at most. Once we own that, and stop feeling guilty, etc., it becomes easier to seize the power, and it becomes easier to think of what we ARE going to say. Its setting off the Gift of Fear sirens in my head. I just want to jump in to point out that the medium of communication also matters! It almost feels like if they just sneak up on me with some super fun plans I might say yes more often. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. Maybe you can Google it. Absolutely! 65+ Funny Responses to Everyday Questions! - Self Development Journey The lines of dominance and power are what make this a problem. Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. Two main reasons that I can see: 1) They want to get to know you better and talking about how you like to spend your weekend is often a great way to do that. The mental stress is the same whether you interrupt a current rest period or interrupt the chance to get there before it before it starts. Basically the thing you wrote about duties like babysitting, expanded to fun events. Sam sends Julia a text at 9 PM on Saturday night, with an idea that could give the company an edge in customer service's call hold times. People here may be disagreeing that it should be a normal social rule, but if you change your behavior to meet that, youll be wrong by other standards. Anything fun planned? Find an answer. My daughter is also struggling with brainweasels and getting a job. I really appreciate the feedback from the Captain and other commenters about the need to own my time and feel more confident in my right to respond when and how I want to. Thats not cool.. Absolutely, this too. The underlying assumption, is/. And for that age range of teens into mid-twenties, its developmentally normal to not adult well in spaces/tasks/areas of endeavor where they cannot do so unsurveilled by childhood parental authority figures, but to abruptly adult extremely well and competently when freed from that surveillance. Im sure its benignly intended but its intrusive. I dont know what would do the most damage for NYCs daughter long-term, but I do know that no matter the form it ultimately takes, the preservation of parental lines of dominance into the adulthood of the child will do real damage long-term. Thank you for a better way to ask this question. I know this is a small complaint, in the grand scheme of things, and I usually handle it by changing the subject to something Im interested in if I *do* feel like conversing. 2. Point 1 also notes that LW apparently finds the small-talk aspect unusually invasive ze doesnt wish to share zir plans at all, while many people consider this to be a low-stakes social bonding ritual. Who on earth does #4, besides a small boy under 6? . My vote is toss her out and let her adult. Julia has been . We all walk the kids to school together and she started calling in at our house every. Youre right, adult people who feel safe and are treated well like adult people probably dont react like that. We teach children that they must answer questions put to them by adults, that they have no choice in the matter. My nos are not because I dont like you! Of course I only say that to the people I like lol. (If they didnt mean an invitation) I dont think there is the slightest thing wrong with wanting something in the way of rent for the houseroom and resources she takes up. Them : Ah, then Ill get back to you (They never get back to you). I think it can also be a way of getting to know a person, or the kind of small talk that people in some regions feel they HAVE to make if they want to be polite. Unless youre at the stage of an established friendship where you have agreed to get together for dinner every other Saturday, or are discussing plans for the next visit to your long-distance sweetie during this visit, any actual social plan is only going to happen after someone risks discovering that the other person is less interested than they are. I hope this email finds you well. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. I saved up enough to move out. Lessons in Love from Julia Roberts Movies true tho like next t inme ill say this and it will. That said, I tend to think the person asked, they can damn well deal with the answer. Well see you at other time, but not in the morning.. What are you doing Saturday? might be an attempt to be extra polite about making an invitation, but it only works if the person wants to accept, and its only necessary if the person is too shy to say no. So if theyre just chatting youve invited them to talk about their own weekend, and if they are in fact leading up to an invitation, then youve been vague about whether nothing interesting means lots of chores, or free time. I get tempted to make stuff up like join the circus or sky diving or whatnot. Of course, you can replace "great" with any adjective (positive or negative) that describes your day in a general way. And then you get people who let it go there and people who keep fishing (where are your parents from? etc etc because they think its impolite to ask WHAT are you, but they really really want to know, so they know what stereotypes to assign you, as you said, or even because theyre just curious, like youre an object). A simple, 'We hope you're doing well' will suffice," a Deadline editor tweeted. If Im 100% sure that I dont want to do the thing based on the asker I treat this as open license to complain about how busy I am. This strikes me as so strange! I also find why do you ask? really handy as a polite way to signal someone is being nosy. @Helen Huntingdon, that is good to know, re feelings and setting off yellow flags. I chitchat with cashiers so its totally fine to say something like, Ah, gosh, so crazy today I got a flat tire and Im just grabbing something easy for dinner. In other words if you have the time and energy to construct a lowkey, mildly entertaining story then go for it, otherwise just stick with Great, how are you? and you can let the conversation drop from there. Because if she werent a family member, Id throw her out on her ear; she sure as hell wouldnt be in my home with all her stuff. Before people jump on this as reading too much into the situation, I want to point out that at in many, many cultures (I actually work on related research so Im familiar with a lot of academic studies on the topic), the preferred way to refuse a request for help is apology+reason e.g. and then if I do end up wanting to do whatever it is they want to do, suddenly my schedule cleared up! That would feel like a very odd response if I were making small-talk with the question. I think it would be helpful for folks to give LW the benefit of the doubt that she/he is not taking the time to write in to an advice column over very simple coworker small talk questions. You could just ask. I completely agree that when it comes to a duty (like babysitting) this question is somewhat unfair. There was a bit at first, and SHE had some learning to do in terms of how she reacted (example: her dad said, Were going over to Grandmas tonight, and she started to blow up at us about making plans for her. Its really not you, its them. No, seriously, TheDukeDevlin has the correct answer. Lets do it.). OMG yes! We received your email and will get back to you with a (human) response as soon as possible. I also think that most of the people I hang out with get this, and with the exception of more formal plans, would agree. And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). "It's going well.". Of course both people will vary from the scripts with personal style and the situation, but that is the general way it can go. Why not? I have friends who do that, along with a SIL, and I also find it stressful/annoying. Here we're providing you with some better ways to respond to when your partner or girlfriend says, I hate you when you know they say it jokingly. Since the question what are you doing this weekend? has, like, 18 possible meanings, many of which *can* involve power plays, it just breaks my brain. 1. I like these types are answers because they have the benefits of: 1. always being true, 2. requiring zero thought (e.g. I actually have an answer for this one. Its a little involved because Mittens needs daily collagen injections and also shes doing primal scream therapy. As far as I can tell both we should hang out sometime/lets have lunch and yeah, we should can translate to you are a nice person I have run into on the street or to I want to see you, lets make plans.. Thats kind of taking it 4 out of context to say they dont understand. 76 Best Replies and Answers to How Are You Doing? - Trending Us Everyone knows most people mean it well, its small talk, etc but these things ARE not nice to be the receiver of. I particularly enjoyed the bergamot top notes in the. Also, if you want people to drop the polite social conventions and be direct with youmaybe try directly telling them this? Throwing another vote in for a friendly Why? or Why, whats up? Assuming I like them, I usually say it with a smile or an inviting tone. Lots of commenters here are noting that people ask about weekend plans as small talk. I use this regularly, as does most of my social group. Its all the other situations I listed that bother me the ones where I dont always know the purpose of the question / true intent of the asker, or I suspect its to get me to do something. Im sure to him thats bewildering, but to me its bewildering that for so long he simply refused to choose to behave with appropriate respect. Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. Apparently, social people use this question as a test to see if you are really one of them. I like to respond with Doing nothing. Lets just say there were a few comments along the lines of look, if this Pampered Chef isnt your personal yaoi cup of tea, thats fine, but do you have to be so judgy about what your friends into?, Exactly! This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). It doesnt actually mean how are you? in the same way that goodbye does not actually mean God be with you. What it means is, I acknowledge you, fellow human being. In some ways, its helpful to think of it not as a phrase but as a pair of words: how-are-you, fine-thanks-and-you. You can help!'. Jackpot! Mostly they arent great at invitations. And they tend to be very very very sure of what counts as racism (nothing they do/say, of course), with an overlay of you should be grateful I am nice to you to wrap it all up. You always say Im working on my crochet projects this weekend. The problem with these is that the aforementioned cousin who wants you to babysit may treat your I dont know as nothing at all, I have zero excuses. You need to know your audience, but it does work well for the nosy-only requests. At least, it never has for me! As long as I sound friendly, folks who have no ulterior motive take it at face value, and the ones who are being invasively nosy, or hoping to trick me into something, are taken aback and sometimes given subtle notice that I will set boundaries @Kacienna: Im saying that because in other posts, people have literally advocated for saying just No, thanks! to an overture like We should get coffee sometime. And I mean that is not just going to burn bridges, that is going to blow them up, and not just with the person youre speaking toits going to look Super Off to observers and cost you with them as well. You may also eagerly seize on these options and/or provide some of your own., (2) Hey, Im looking for someone to cat-sit while Im out of town for the next three months. It took a long time to figure out that I could just cheerfully respond, Why do you ask? In a friendly middle-class-lady voice, (almost as if I hope they are going to tell me something wonderful!). (via Shutterstock) 7. 20 questions to ask instead of "How are you doing right now?" - Quartz Great, Thanks for Asking. Tell me about you. She could NOT grasp that she was experiencing a cultural difference and the question wasnt going to stop because a) people were genuinely curious and/or wanted to show they were interested in her as a person and b) she was living in a part of the country where small talk was expected and people would consider it rude NOT to ask that question. Auto-reply email sample: Hi [first_name], Thanks so much for reaching out! Im still seething. Not blond but like superwhite. Then there is the Miss Manners rebuff, where the pitch is level until the final word is raised. It happens every time I get him as a teller. Canned responses are pre-written messages that allow customer support agents to respond to customer issues at the drop of a hat. For me, it was lack of basic adult civility and respect that was the death knell I didnt expect safety or that level of support after 18 and didnt feel wronged that it was not given. And when things are something that I consider a family obligation, I make it clear (I need you tocan you? I want to put a claim on your time for X, will that work? etc.) I've Tried, but No One Listens Hopefully Not as Good as I'll Ever Be If I Was Any Better, Vitamins Would Be Taking Me Okay. Thats just the question it looks like. That would create some damage. Try these OOO messages to let people know you're taking a break. Can we not with passing judgement on the validity of the LWs feelings about this phrase? I grew up in the Guessiest Guess household ever my mother once quit a job because they said they liked her work so much that theyd like her to do more shifts, and she was angry at being put in the position of having to say no so I didnt come out of childhood equipped with much of a toolbox for saying no assertively. Ok so Ive been wanting to go to this play, I was thinking of going to the Friday night show or the Saturday matinee, would you be interested in one of those dates?. Me: Dunno, but probably not. Rob: I'm just leaving for work. This is how I deal with it: Open your mouth and close your eyes andhold on, it got away., (1) Want to have dinner sometime? I think this is a lot clearer in other contexts. W- Work free. He would intentionally just hint around until they offered. Anyway, the grad students said one woman asked, How do you think she got like that? and others nodded with pursed lips, agreeing that there was something wrong there. I expect either Oh were going to see New Movie/having a picnic/running errands or I dunno, usually followed by how about you? Its a low pressure small talk question, most of the time. If an acquaintance asks How are you? and I answer and ask back like I do at home, am I way off? Its a little more inconvenient to go to a different branch, but I do that sometimes, or mobile banking or attempt to time it so that I end up with another teller. I usually just say Im doing laundry. Nothing too exciting, Ive got a bunch of things on my to-do list. person: Hey, hiya, rya? not? Work it like a weekend warrior! 1) Let the weekend memes begin! 2. Im white. I personally feel really pressured by the question simply because it puts me in the position of having to say yes or no before I even know what Im saying yes or no to. It makes you feel like whatever you do, you are expected to conform to being othered. But thats always what those on the winning side of dominance relationships say. I wouldnt mind your first either, but thats because the few people whod ask me exactly that are close enough for me to answer however Id like. Catchy Microblading Business Names, University Of Dallas Athletic Director, Articles F